How to Get a Girlfriend (A Recipe for Disaster)

Contrary to popular belief, girls are not (that) scary. Unless angered due to a double crossing of the sexual or social kind, or a theft of chocolate flavored or covered snack, they tend to be quite quiet and docile in nature in comparison to the testosterone fueled males who chase them around all day. If you see yourself as slightly socially inept and don’t have the money to gamble on a Lithuanian mail order bride, this is just the article for you. 

First, you need to meet a girl. There is no one single place where they are known to congregate like a mall or parties or anything, but one way is through friends. Friends, which are a vital part of any social experience, will not only help you meet a satisfactory member of the opposite sex, but also to make your sad and loveless life at least a little more bearable. Don’t want to eat alone? Call friends. Need someone to edit your English essay analyzing the entire works of Chaucer through the eyes and viewpoints of Spongebob characters? Call friends. Want someone to drink a few beers with and yell Sean Connery quotes out the window at unassuming passerby’s with? Call friends (though in this case, I’d be picky about which friends you let see this side of you) (also a possible first date idea).

A solid tale of friendship to research would be Bob Reiner’s “Stand By Me.” A film based of Stephen King’s novella “The Body,” “Stand By Me” is a coming of age film that divulges into the importance and value of friendship in the youth. About four young boys going on an adventure to find a corpse, the story places them in many a situation where they face peril, but their friendship helps them make it through safely. Released in 1986, the film has been considered an American classic, and is now seen as much a part of American culture as the apple pie or reality TV shows or SUV’s so large they take up 2.5 parking spots.

So once you’ve met a girl, you need to talk to her. And when I say talk, I don’t mean just “hey how’s the weather?” or “Damn girl, you lookin’ fiiiine tonight,” but an actual, meaningful conversation. Perhaps divulge into the weather of past weeks or months, analyzing their slowly changing patterns over decades and the effects “global warming” may or may not have on the environment, the economy and the social and cultural infrastructure of the common world. Or talk about the social and spiritual effects your favorite renaissance artist had on the enlightenment period and how it has affected your current placement in the world today. Another solid go to is favorite books.

In order to have this wonderful and meaningful conversations again, you must now get her phone number. Half determination, half luck (depending on her mood, because everyone knows the unpredictable behavioral pattern of the mysterious female college student), you must find the perfect measurement of confidence and aloofness and ask her in a way that is neither creepy nor too straight forward, else you’ll sound to  desperate. Many a narrative have been written about the trying task, cornering into the TV and radio genres as well. 

Now girl has been met, talked to and the phone number has been acquired, so now the goal is to get the famous “first date.” Asking for this information is a precarious task, where one small miscalculation could turn the entire social concoction into toxic waste of shame and disgrace. This could be the turning point for you, where your future could be bright with a new Facebook post in your future displaying your newly found relationship status, or could turn on you, creating a social disaster in it’s wake of such proportions that you will turn to cheap liquor and other substances such as Doritos and Mountain Dew to try to cure the social ailments of your past. After alienating all of your friends by turning to watching strictly 90s Nickelodeon cartoons during all your waking hours, you will find yourself spiraling down a one way street that can only end at a stop sign or intersection. One thing will lead to another, and you’ll be living on the streets of Northampton, asking random passerby’s for small change as you try sell your small artistic renditions of celebrities made of out used toothpicks and half rotted garbage food, until one day some modern art critic stops by your small display, claiming brilliance and originality at your lettuce and bagel rendition of Tommy Lee Jones, setting you up with your own small studio and art supplies. Soon you’ll have your own loft, art exhibitions and hundreds of gorgeous women surrounding you as you showcase your next big piece of artistic brilliance, “The Fate of Humanity Resting on the Burn Patterns Created on Grilled Cheese.” For more on this, see my article on “How to become a world famous contemporary artist.”      

But first, you must consider the time between your first meaningful (see fourth paragraph) conversation and the first text you send. A staple in common culture is 48-72 hours. One must seem interested, yet not too desperate, as the opposite sex can smell desperation like a shark smells blood in the water. A personal formula tried and true by yours truly is 52 hours, 38 minutes and 17 seconds after the first conversation has ended. So say the conversation ended at 4:27:04 p.m. on a Tuesday, the first text would be sent exactly at  9:05:21 p.m., give or take 23 seconds, but no more. 

Once she has received your text, you continue previous conversations, experimenting into new topics as you get closer. “Do you prefer incandescent lighting or fluorescent lighting” and “What grocery stores are there to choose from in your home town?” are two subjects I highly recommend. Another tactic would be more personal questions, such as “Would you consider me weird if I told you I have a talking, 1/4th sized ride on pony name Oleander Franchise in my closet?” or “Would you prefer a handmade holiday card on Ground Hog’s Day or within the first week of ‘Effective Communications Month (June)?’” 

Now that you’re talking, you ask her out on your first date. You’ll know when the time is right, and if you don’t, then maybe it’s the artist’s life you’re meant for, but the for the rest of you, it’s first date that may be the most important. Stay away from the overused coffee or dinner date, and instead shoot for the exotic, perhaps bringing her to an exotic arachnid sanctuary where she can pet a real live tarantula, or even to a haunted antique store where she can buy a souvenir that will haunt her forever. The key is to do something memorable. If neither of these are available, consider a seasonal activity such as going to a fair or leaving pumpkins around with the faces and quotes of B-list celebrities carved into them. Show her a time she’ll never forget. 

At this point, it’s all down hill from here. Once the phone numbers have been exchanged, the awkward first conversations have been passed and the first fall fruits have been artistically rendered, the rest is clear sailing. 

Kiss, and fall in love. 

Justin Surgent has had three whole girlfriends and can be reached at jsurgent@luvguru.mentalcase.org

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