Valentine’s Day for the Single Minded

Hello! Today I write to celebrate this wonderful holiday that comes only once a year (thank god). A holiday made famous by unintelligible poems of Chaucer, the wonderful people at Hallmark who write our feelings for us, and chocolate manufacturers who help fuel the underlying obesity issues of our modern day America. Valentine’s day is great if you have someone you want to spend disgusting amounts of money on, smother in lovey dovey poems and start down the road to type 2 diabetes with. For everyone else, it sucks.

For all of you sad single folk, (pretty single ladies, please look at “contact info” after you finish the article) I have compiled a list of things to do the keep you grounded on this wondrous day. Enjoy.

Listen to a lot of John Mayer songs. Really, I mean it. If you listen to his lyrics, you realize no one other person on the face of this Earth has annihilated so many relationships so successfully. Plus you may meet a girl who totally digs your soft side. You’ll feel better about your lonely self thinking “wow, I’m just glad I’m not him,” knowing you didn’t screw up as much as he didn’t and certainly don’t whine about it as much. Well, then again he is insanely rich and successful and has been with more hot women than one can name, so maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad life. If you do this however, please don’t be that guy who sits out in public with his acoustic guitar PLAYING those John Mayer songs. Honestly, you can only pull those songs off if you’re a successful musician who has loved more woman than Ron Jeremy. Otherwise, you may get stabbed.

Tired of only seeing happy love and hearts? Research the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre! The only love that went on there was a love for the business. Heres a Wiki link,’s_Day_massacre. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll see a real heart! (thats disgusting, I really hope you don’t.)

However, if you REALLY want to see an actual heart, shadow a surgeon for the day. After sitting in on a few heart bypass operations, you’ll realize that little bump in your chest isn’t so pretty in person. In fact, it’s really quite gross, and I definitely wouldn’t want to eat candy that looked like it.

If you’re still really into the heart thing, sign up to be an organ donor. The term “you will always have my heart” will have a whole new meaning.

Acquire a dartboard and a picture of your ex. Tape the picture of your ex’s face to the dartboard. Now take the darts in your hand, aim…and don’t hit their face. Why? Thats kind of messed up if you think about it. What if they were actually there? Would you still hurl pointed objects into the face you once found attractive? If so, well I guess we can still be friends, but we’ll never play darts. Not only will this tactic keep you from feeling like a deranged sociopath for the rest of the evening, it will make you MUCH better at darts.

Walk around campus and count how many single people you see sitting alone crying. I got 14 earlier, myself included. That is your score to beat.

Are you a candy lover? Get as much Valentine’s day candy you can find, and have a candy feast! Then research how all the candy is made, and all the wonderful chemicals that go into it. Research what other things those chemicals go into. Now time how long you can keep that candy in your system. Mmmm red dye #40.

If your roommate wants the room with his girl, let him have it. Just because you’re not getting any doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be getting any. Help on homework I mean. You don’t want him to fail anatomy, do you? What did you think I was talking about? Hell, see if you can work with them. Three is a magic number.

While you’re being sexiled from your room while your roommate is living out your fantasies (assuming homework took a back seat, and they thought you were joking when you offered your services), take the time to do something constructive. Play Angry Birds. Read the online web comic “Questionable Content” ( It’s really quite addicting). Post pathetic statuses on Facebook about “Singles Awareness Day.” Post pathetic statuses on Facebook trying to convince everyone how comfortable you are with being single (You’re not fooling anyone). Write a passively angry blog post about being sexiled on Valentine’s day.

For all of you who still like to believe this a holiday full of love and companionship, don’t forget all the martyrs that had their heads cut off in order for this day to be named.

And for anyone still not satisfied, please enjoy this video of a baby monkey riding backwards on a pig.

Happy Valentine’s day everyone.


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